Relationships: Things Nobody Wants to Admit
Opposites Attract - Sometimes They Just Annoy Each Other
Relationships: The Real Unspoken Truths
On a dating app, Maya swipes past a man who likes all the same things she does. Too similar. Too boring. She chooses someone completely different instead. It feels like chemistry.
A famous study found that people say they want one thing, and then choose another.
SYSTEM SHOCK: In one study, 85.7% of people said they wanted a partner with opposite personality traits. But the same research found that people tend to choose partners who are similar to themselves.
True or Not
Opposites attract. The spark comes from difference.
Research
A review of 313 studies with more than 35,000 people found that similarity, not difference, usually predicts attraction. Some psychologists call this one of the best-proven findings in social psychology.
A study from the University of Iowa found that similar personalities were linked to happier marriages, even more than shared attitudes, religion, or values.
And the “85.7%” study showed a big gap between what people say and what people do.
We tell one story about what we want. Our choices tell another.
On The Contrary
“Opposites attract” describes an exciting feeling at the start. It does not describe who people build lasting relationships with, or what makes those relationships last.
Reality
Some people always chase the exciting, unpredictable type. They have short, stormy relationships. And they ignore the calm, similar person next to them because it feels “too easy.”
A Question for You
Are you choosing a partner, or choosing a story about what exciting love is supposed to look like?
The Flip Side
This does not mean identical is always best. One long-term study found that very high personality similarity was linked to lower satisfaction over many years of marriage. And some differences can work well together, for example, one partner is more decisive and the other is more flexible. The better advice is: look for someone who shares your core values, with some difference around the edges.
The Outcome
Mostly misleading. Similar values and similar personality predict happier relationships much better than difference does.
The Reality Check
What does it promise? That difference creates lasting chemistry.
What does the evidence show? That similarity predicts attraction and satisfaction better than difference.
What should you do? Notice when “exciting” and “not compatible” are the same feeling with two different names.
Your Task
Think about your relationships. Which ones lasted, and how much did you and your partner have in common?
English Lesson: Similar, Different, and the Same
Every article on this blog is also an English lesson. Read slowly, say the new words out loud, and use them today.
New Words
attract (verb) is to make someone like you or want to be near you. Her kindness attracted him.
similar (adjective) is almost the same. We have similar tastes in music.
compatible (adjective) is able to live or work well together. They are very compatible.
chemistry (noun, informal) is a strong, natural attraction between two people. There was instant chemistry between them.
core values (noun phrase) is the most important beliefs in your life. Honesty is one of my core values.
have in common (phrase) is to share the same interests or experiences. We have a lot in common.
Say This, Not That
Say “She is similar to me.”
Dont say“She is similar with me.”
Why? We say similar TO.
Say “My taste is different from yours.”
Dont say “My taste is different with yours.”
Why? We say different FROM.
Say “We have a lot in common.”
Dont say “We have many things same.”
Why? Use have in common to talk about shared interests.
Grammar: similar to / the same as / different from
These three phrases need the correct small word after them:
similar to - Her job is similar to mine.
the same as - His values are the same as mine.
different from - Our lifestyles are different from each other.
Remember: similar TO · the same AS · different FROM.
Quick Practice
She is similar ___ her partner. (to / with)
Our values are the same ___ theirs. (as / than)
Fix the mistake: My sister is similar with me.
Answers: 1. to · 2. as · 3. My sister is similar to me.
Did you enjoy this lesson? Subscribe to English with Sue and become an active student. Every article gives you new words, useful phrases and one grammar point. Today's challenge: write one sentence with a new word and say it out loud.
