Relationships: Things Nobody Wants to Admit
Communication Doesn't Solve Everything
Relationships: The Real Unspoken Truths
A couple sits in a therapist's office for the fifth time. They are having the same fight about money again, the same fight they have had for six years. The therapist gives them a new way to “communicate better.”
But what if this fight can never be solved?
Shocker. Researcher John Gottman found that about 69% of the problems couples argue about are “perpetual.” That means they never go away, even when the couple talks about them very well.
True or False
If a couple communicates well enough, every problem can be solved.
Research Results
Gottman and his team found two kinds of problems:
Solvable problems, for example, who pays which bill. A plan or a compromise can fix these.
Perpetual problems, these come from who you are: your personality, your values, your needs.
About 69% of couple conflict is the second kind. These problems come back again and again, for the whole relationship. The couples who stay happy do not “win” these fights. They learn to talk about them with humor, kindness, and acceptance.
The goal is not to win the fight. The goal is to live kindly beside the difference.
The Contradiction
Self-help books often say: “Every fight is a communication problem. Fix it with the right technique.” The research says something different: many fights were never fixable. The real skill is not solving them. It is living kindly with a difference.
Reality
Think of a couple who has been to five workshops about the same fight, money, in-laws, or a messy house, and still wonders why it never gets fixed.
A Question that must be asked.
Are you really bad at communicating? Or are you avoiding a harder question: Can I live with this difference forever?
The Flip Side
Communication still matters a lot. About 31% of problems are solvable, and good communication helps with those. Even with perpetual problems, how you talk decides everything: with contempt, or with humor and respect.
The Outcome.
Partly true, mostly misleading. Communication can solve solvable problems. For the rest, its job is different: not to end the disagreement, but to make living with it kinder.
The Reality Check
What does it promise? That the right technique can end any recurring fight.
What does the evidence show? That most recurring fights come from permanent differences.
What should you do? Ask yourself: am I trying to solve this, or am I trying to find a kinder way to disagree?
Your Turn
Is there a fight in your relationship that you keep trying to “finally fix” but it might be a permanent difference?
Talking About Problems That Don't Go Away
Every article on this blog is also an English lesson. Read slowly, say the new words out loud, and use them today.
New Words
perpetual (adjective) means never ending; always coming back. They have a perpetual argument about money.
recurring (adjective) means happening again and again. I have a recurring problem with my neighbor.
resolve (verb) is to find a solution to a problem. They resolved the issue in one meeting.
compromise (noun / verb) is an agreement where each person gives up something. We reached a compromise. / We compromised.
solvable (adjective) means possible to fix. This is a solvable problem.
core (adjective) is most important; at the center. Honesty is a core value for me.
Say This, Not That
Say “We see this differently. How can we live with it?”
Not “You never listen! We always have this fight!”
Why? Words like never and always attack. They also are usually not true.
Say “I understand your point, even if I don't agree.”
Not “That's ridiculous.”
Why? The first sentence shows respect. The second shows contempt.
Say “Let's agree to disagree on this one.”
Not “You will never change.”
Why? Accept the difference. Don't attack the person.
Grammar : for / since (present perfect)
Use the present perfect (have / has + past participle) for something that started in the past and continues now.
for + a period of time: They have argued about money for six years.
since + a starting point: They have argued about money since 2019.
Use the present perfect continuous (have been + -ing) to stress that it keeps happening: We have been having this fight for years.
Common mistakes we make.
Example.
Don't say, we are having this fight since years.
Say, we have been having this fight for years.
Quick Practice
They have argued about money ___ six years. (for / since)
They have been together ___ 2018. (for / since)
Fix the mistake: We are having this fight since many years.
Answers: 1. for · 2. since · 3. We have been having this fight for many years.
Did you enjoy this lesson? Subscribe to English with Sue and become an active student. Every article gives you new words, useful phrases and one grammar point. Today's challenge: write one sentence with a new word and say it out loud.
More articles
